☕ Grab yourself a cup of tea and let’s dive into today’s endeavor

Dear Intentionalist,

I have new neighbours. A super friendly couple with their 2 year old cute child. They seem super cool, except for the fact that they have only one kid.

Maybe I should start by saying that I personally have no issue with that. But other neighbours seem to have, and a big one.

I was renovating my soon-to-be cosy office/creative studio/micro reading nook with the windows to the main street all wide open when I heard my old neighbour (a man) meeting my new neighbour (also a man) for the first time.

Before they even exchanged names my old neighbour was already inquiring “who’s the little one was” and right after the answer “do you only have one? You shouldn’t. He needs a sibling to play with. Don’t you think?”. Have I been drinking tea at the time and I would probably have spilt it in that moment. Only after 3 minutes of insistence in this conversation they exchanged their names.

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I will never be able to understand this obsession with someone else’s reproductive life, especially when it’s about someone who is basically “nothing” to us. It’s not like the old neighbour will be in charge of the new neighbour’s kids.

I remember my sister-in-law’s mother-in-law insisting with me that “it was about time I become pregnant”. This person sees me twice a year in family gatherings, has no significance in my life and me having kids would change absolutely nothing for her but still, for years, she insisted. Every single time she saw me she would say the same. And every single time I kept feeling uncomfortable for having an almost-complete stranger insisting in something so private and personal whilst also feeling extremely confused regarding the reasons why my reproduction would bother this person so much.

Somehow, kids are always a “problem”:

• If one doesn’t have them » they should

• If one does have one » it’s not enough; “go and have more”

• If one has two but they have the same biological sex » “you should try a third one and see if something different comes out this time”

• If one has multiple » still “you can go for another one. Who raises 4 can also raise 5.”

It’s a fucking never-ending shit show!

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I wonder if this insistence, often coming from people whose lives will never be remotely affected by the babies they so desperately want others to have, is nothing more but their go-to copping mechanism when it comes to be in the presence of someone they don’t know yet or with whom they might not feel comfortable being in silence with. As an attempt to bond through a common bias, perhaps? I don’t know, it makes no sense in my head and I find it extremely violent in so many ways:

• A couple might want more kids and not being financially capable of;

• A couple might want more kids and might be struggling to get pregnant;

• A couple might want more kids whilst not feeling ready yet because they’ve lost a child;

• A couple might not even want kids at all.

In whichever case, isn’t that a decision for the couple to make? Who does these people think they are to make such pressure on something so deeply private and personal? Why do they feel entitled to say such things to people they don’t even know? Where does this comes from?

Ugh, I’m sorry, this essay is one of those that brings up more questions than answers I guess. But what do you think? Have you been through this kind of inquisition too? Do you have a theory? I’d love to hear from you!

📚 My July bookshelf

Fiction:

👉 Yesteryear by Caro Claire Burke (2026) — ★ 3/5

Not everyone is suited to become a parent, and Yesteryear is a great example of it.

Although this is a novel, it has astonishing similarities with how some people actually live/act in the “real world” which is probably why this is a great read.

It is extremely interesting from the psychological perspective. How the mind creates its own perceptions of reality, how one can live a lie so deeply that it suddenly becomes the truth, how faking something for so long comes to a point where is no longer possible to distinguish what’s real from what’s fabricated. To loose oneself within.

For me it was also interesting to watch how much influence religion had in the whole story and how it can be cruel and dangerous when critical thinking is nowhere to be found. Without giving too many spoilers, it is that critical thinking that saved some of the characters which serves as a great contrast between those who have the capacity to question and those who don’t.

All in all it was an engaging book.

Non-fiction:

👉 Right-Wing Women by Andrea Dworkin (1983) — ★ 4/5

Andrea Dworkin is a queer Jewish female author reflecting on feminism and, consequently, on patriarchy. Although this book was originally written in the early 80s it is still pretty much actual which, I believe, says a lot about our evolution as a society in the past 4 decades.

In this book, Andrea tries to make sense of the logic that might justify the fact that some women prefer to feed their oppressor than trying something new and, ultimately, better.

From politics to biology and without ever forgetting about religion, the author explores all the societal and psychological pressures that keep feeding the patriarchal and violent system we still know way too well today.

There are no definitive nor absolute answers, but this is a book intended to make us reflect and act and one can tell it simply by looking at the table of contents:

• The Promise of the Ultra-Right

• The Politics of Intelligence

• Abortion

• Jews and Homosexuals

• The Coming Gynocide

• Antifeminism

It was not an easy read. Most of the time I felt angry, disgusted, revolted. Which I guess was part of the goal of the author. Regardless, I truly believe everyone benefits from giving this one a try.

I’m giving it 4 stars and not 5 just because some statements I felt were too repetitive throughout a specific chapter or even throughout the book as a whole.

Have you read any of these?

📽️ July’s Video Club

Elle (Amazon Prime), from the universe of “Legally Blonde”, take us back to the 90s and follows the adventures (and challenges) of being a teen in a new city and school.

What I loved the most about this series (besides the fact that it was something quite lighter to watch compared to The Handmaid’s Tale I’m currently watching too!), was the fact that it reminds us not only of the importance of being true to ourselves but, above all, of how one should not judge a book by its cover (in this case, judge a person by the way they look).

It’s worth the watch if you want something entertaining and that brings good reflections without being too heavy.

Brittany Runs A Marathon (Amazon Prime) is not a movie about a marathon. Well, it is, but not entirely.

Britanny is struggling with her life, her health is not the best, her work is even worse and her social life is based on week-day hangovers with friends that, in fact, have little friendship to offer. Around her, the world seems to thrive. But not her.

Britanny embarks in an adventure that she thought would change her body (which it did) but it’s her own self-worth and mind that suffer the most dramatic changes and with that, new friendships are built wile the old ones… well, they basically drift apart.

This movie is not just about an overweight woman going through a weight-loss journey. In fact, I’d say it’s not about that at all. It really is about the detachment of self-worth and self-love from an image that is reflected in a mirror and, with that, the discovery of a confidence and strength that was deeply hidden the entire time and the cost that that brings to the relationships around us.

You might also enjoy:

With love and gratitude,

Patricia

☕ Grab yourself a cup of tea and let’s dive into today’s endeavor

Dear Intentionalist,

when growing up I was that shy little girl hiding in the back corner of the classroom, anxiously wishing that her teacher would not notice her nor request her to answer any questions in front of all her colleagues. The funny thing is: even when I knew the answers I would wait for others to say it out loud because “what if I’m actually wrong?”.

Shame was the underlying emotion. I know this now, but I didn’t back then. I just thought I’d be punished for giving a wrong answer which also made me not ask questions during classes because that would be reason enough to be laughed at.

I don’t really know where that belief came from and, if you ever felt like little me did, you might not know either.

But ignorance is the propelling of change.

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Every change starts with the admission of our own ignorance

If doctors and scientists simply assumed they knew it all already, there would be no medical advances. Ever.

In order to change and evolve we are required to admit, to ourselves and often to the world, that we are ignorant. We do not hold all the knowledge in the world and sometimes (probably most of the times, really) we are actually wrong. Like, monumentally wrong.

When we fail to accept this we fail to evolve because a person who already knows everything so certainly sees no need to seek further information and knowledge.

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Learning isn’t supposed to be comfortable and it requires some dose of humbleness

In a world that sells us perfection as if our lives depend on it, it’s only reasonable to be averse to anything that might be evidence that we are, actually, not perfect.

That’s vulnerable and even scary. It makes you feel on the line. Exposed. Perhaps even ashamed or unsafe (or both). It’s uncomfortable as Hell. But that discomfort also tells you that that’s exactly the right way to follow because as someone once said/wrote “comfort zones are cool but nothing ever grows there”.

How do you feel about your own ignorance?

📚 My June bookshelf

June was a good month when it comes to non-fiction.

👉 Poor Artists by Zarina Muhammad and Gabrielle de la Puente (2024) — ★ 4/5

Poor Artists is a mix of fiction with non-fiction. It tells the story of Quest, a young artist that finds herself questioning not only herself but the entire art world through different perspectives and small adventures based on real stories.

Together with Quest, we can reflect on the ethics of the art world, objectivity and subjectivity, the fairness (or lack thereof) there is when it comes to artists living with dignity and all the conflicting emotions we, as creatives, often have to face when we actually stop to think about creating art as a basic need for one’s survival as a whole (something one can’t simply not do) vs. creating to actually sell and earn money (often times having to bend to the market’s rules).

All in all it is an entertaining, fun and interesting book that I’d recommend to everyone that takes joy in creating but also in reflecting critically.

👉 The Master’s Tools Will Never Dismantle The Master’s House by Audre Lorde (2017) — ★ 5/5

My boyfriend recommended me Audre Lorde after my huge disappointment with bell hooks but maybe because of that I was not really ready to invest too much of myself in another feminist writer just yet. Until I found this little book on a giftshop of a museum.

It is short (just 50 pages) and it seemed to me the perfect low-investment book to get to know Audre’s writing and I’m so glad I bought them with me!

This small book gathers 5 different essays o gender, class and race and I know that a book will be good when the very first paragraph is one that I find the urge to highlight. Let me share it with you:

The quality of light by which we scrutinize our lives has direct bearing upon the product which we live, and upon the changes which we hope to bring about through those lives.

Although that might not even be my favourite passage of that book, it was certainly a good start. The 5 essays:

• Poetry is Not a Luxury

• Uses of The Erotic

• The Master’s Tools Will Never Dismantle The Master’s House

• Uses of Anger: Women Responding to Racism

• Learning From the 1960s

Highly recommend this one and can’t wait to read more from Audre Lorde.

📽️ June’s Video Club

How To Get To Heaven From Belfast (on Netflix) is entertaining and messed up all at the same time. Although Netflix likes to say this is a comedy I’d categorize it more as a thriller with some good jokes. I haven’t watched anything like this since Pretty Little Liars (when it comes to Thriller series).

The Startling (Netflix) is one of those movies that breaks our hearts but then glue the pieces with hope. If you watch it you might want to have some tissues nearby.

Lastly but not least, The Four Seasons (Netflix) follows the friendship of 3 couples that every year reunite together except one of them are breaking up which comes to shake the group dynamic. Will they be able to navigate the separation as a group?

It is entertaining and funny (until it’s not and you end up crying out in a turn of events).

You might also enjoy:

With love and gratitude,

Patricia

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☕ Grab yourself a cup of tea and let’s dive into today’s endeavor

Dear Intentionalist,

Is objectivity even something possible to attain? Truly?

A couple of months ago I read this book called “Monsters: What Do We Do With Great Art By Bad People” that has a full chapter on art critics. Ever since I’ve been thinking about objectivity and subjectivity and I came to the conclusion that I do not think there’s such a thing as “objectivity”.

And this is my (very) subjective view of it.

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Nobody is objective

Not the art critic. Not the doctor. Not the journalist. Not the judge. Not even me, right now, writing these words to you.

And I don’t say any of this as an insult but rather as something we seem to collectively refuse to accept, even though it’s obviously, demonstrably true.

If you think about that it actually makes sense that, as human and emotional beings, we are destined to be subjective. After all, in order to be fully objective you would have to strip away everything you’ve ever lived, felt, believed, lost, been afraid of. Your entire history. Every book you read that shifted your perspective on something. Every injustice you experienced or didn’t experience because of who you are.

You would have to basically become no one, someone completely stripped away of everything that makes you a conscious human being. Above all, you would cease to be who you are.

But then you couldn’t have an opinion, could you?

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Assuming our opinions as absolute truths does not mean we are, actually, objective

When someone tells you their critique or argument is objective, what they’re actually telling you, without perhaps realising it, is that their particular subjectivity is so dominant, so normalised, so universally centred, that it doesn’t feel like a perspective anymore.

It just feels like the one and only absolute valid truth.

You can think of doctors as an example. Even though science is objective, human practitioners are highly subjective and that’s why the conscientious objection clause exists: to allow doctors to act not exclusively according to scientific evidence but on their own subjective beliefs and values.

And if we think about art critics it becomes even more obvious. After all, art is created with the main purpose of being interpreted and each individual will interpret it according to their own experiences and world view.

Why is subjectivity considered a weakness?

Why do we reward the performance of objectivity more than the honesty of admitting you have a point of view that is extremely influenced by all that you have lived so far?

We seem to trust people more when they pretend to have no skin in the game (like doctors or judges). But that’s kinda strange isn’t it? And even unsafe, in certain circumstances.

What would change if we demanded the opposite? If admitting your bias was the first requirement, not a disqualifying confession?

I don’t know. I’m still thinking about it.

Speaking essays I’ve published lately:

With love and gratitude,

Patricia

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☕ Grab yourself a cup of tea and let’s dive into today’s endeavor

I’ve watched this movie less than an hour ago and immediately had to come here share it with you because it is that good!

Je M’appelle Agneta (Netflix)

What does “normal” actually means? And why do we always label freedom and the absence of shame as “craziness” when all it really is is freedom?

My expectations for this movie were not too high. I thought I was entering another “Eat, Pray, Love” kind of story until my eyes started to water down less than half an hour later.

It is even hard to put it all into words. Or to even know where to start, for that matter.

Agneta is a Swedish woman with an empty nest, a marriage that has long lost its spark and living her life in auto-pilot with a job of 25 years that, one day, simply ceased to belong to her. Drowning in her own hopelessness, only one thing still fills her with pure joy: France.

Against her husband’s will, Agneta embarks in the biggest adventure of her life. Depressed, unable to even face herself in the mirror and regretting her decision as soon as she leaves Sweden, Agneta finds a place where everything and everyone are completely different from all she had ever seen or even imagined. The adaptation is not easy, but once it happens, there’s no turning back.

This movie is not about a romantic love (although some of that is also present). Above it all, it’s a movie about self-love, about unlearning a lifetime of obsolete beliefs and tight ties, and allowing oneself to be curious enough to try something new, to explore both one’s body and soul and see what might arise. Shamelessly.

At the same time, it is also about deep bonds of friendship that are only possible when vulnerability is no longer avoided but accepted, from both parties.

Intergenerational friendships have my heart. There’s so much to give and take, and Agneta’s friendship with Einar is just a beautiful reminder of that.

For 2 hours, this movie made me tear up as many as it made me laugh.

It is easy to like this movie because one can really identify with Agneta (especially as a woman). This Woman has put all her life on hold for everyone else’s sake and completely forgot about herself to the point that she doesn’t even know who she is (or even who she was during her entire life). Breaking up with the old and familiar, although never easy, almost always proves to be rewarding.

If you have nothing else to do today and just want to relax by watching some movie that is not dumbed up to fit parallel doom scrolling and actually offer depth and thoughtful reflections on life, then go for it and then let me know your thoughts.

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With love and gratitude,

Patricia

let’s connect: instagram | subscribe newsletter

☕ Grab yourself a cup of tea and let’s dive into today’s endeavor

Dear Intentionalist,

This past month of April I buzzed my hair off and it has been a journey. One that comes with a lot of different emotions, questions and, strangely, a renewed confidence.

Although this may sound quite a radical and impulsive act, it required 2 years of careful consideration and thought. The way you think about things you're not sure you're allowed to want. And that’s exactly the point.

Why did I do it?

Because I was curious.

Why did it take so long for me to do it?

Because I was absolutely terrified.

Why does this feel like so much more than a haircut?
Probably because it is (at least for women).

This is what I want to talk about this month.

Not the haircut, exactly. But what the haircut cracked open and the chain of thoughts that came with it. Because hair has never been a neutral thing. Certainly not on a woman's body.

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(Women’s) hair has never been just hair

For millennia hair has been weaponised against women, used as a way to control and (publicly) shame us.

• Dark and middle ages: shaving a woman’s hair was a common punishment for her adultery;

• Ancient and classical worlds: hair was a marker of status, virtue and social belonging (which it still is today). Roman women’s elaborately dressed hair as public performance of respectability. Again, the shorn head was still a way of punishment, shame, and erasure of identity;

• The post-WWII collaborator shavings: women across occupied Europe publicly shorn for alleged relationships with enemy soldiers. This included sex workers and even women who have been raped. The mob served as an enforcer of feminine compliance. The hair was the punishment and the spectacle;

• Black hair as a site of racial and political control: the centuries of pressure to straighten the hair, the way “professional” has long meant “white-adjacent.” Hair was used as colonial project and the CROWN Act is proof of that;

• Religious and cultural covering: the veil, the sheitel, the hijab, the headscarf. Hair is simultaneously a woman’s private power and public liability. Something so dangerous it must be hidden or governed.

Whenever societies want to control women, they start with the hair.

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The weaponisation of femininity

Hair isn’t just policed, it’s been made synonymous with femininity itself, which means departing from it reads as gender transgression, as illness, as grief, as punishment, as deviance. Buzzing our hair is only slightly excusable if it is not a choice of our own (e.g.: as a consequence of a disease).

When my dad had cancer he lost all his hair. It wasn’t fun but it was also not the main worry of his. However, I’ve seen my fair part of women going through cancer treatments and the pain of loosing their hair is such a deep one that it just exacerbates all other symptoms. It’s not only that they might feel weak or in pain, they suddenly feel shame and disconnected from themselves too.

It is just hair. Except it’s not. It’s status, value, worth.

As soon as I did my pixie cut I had complete strangers stopping me on the street to ask me if I was a boy or a girl, trans or cis, queer or heterossexual.

Nothing in my life had changed. I was still the same person I’ve always been. And yet, a simple haircut added all these layers of prejudice.

This happens because hair is highly connected to femininity. We are told from a very young age that our value and beauty as women resides in our long, smooth hair. Take that off and we become worthless. It is so ingrained in us that we don’t even question it until it’s gone.

It is important to also mention the weight of the male gaze in this equation. Whether we are aware of it or not, the truth is that we, women, are educated to appeal to it, even if what we really just want to be left the fuck alone.

There is a reason the buzz still reads as radical when a woman does it. It refuses to be decorative.

Vulnerability as the unexpected thing

After 4 years of looking in the mirror and not quite recognise myself, I was terrified that this extra step would just make it all worse. That’s why it took me 2 years of careful reflection to finally do it.

This cut came from a genuine curiosity. Something I always wanted to try, to see how I’d look, to have fun with. And yet, that is still not a good enough reason for the world. My first worry was to prepare for confrontations because I knew I’d get all these questions on “why” I did it. It happened before. Even though it really is not relevant for anyone else but me. The same way I knew “because I was curious” wouldn’t be an acceptable answer.

Then I realised: no answer will ever be acceptable when it comes to women defying beauty standards.

Not having hair can be quite frightening. There’s no shield. No way to cover my face, hide my eyes, gain some time to reply to someone by touching my hair. Nothing. It’s all there to be seen. And there’s also not much else one can do besides waiting months for it to grow back.

My pixie experience has been so negative for so long, such a weight, that I was not expecting the lightness that buzzing all my hair would bring me.

I feel more myself now. I have more fun in my own skin. I don’t know yet if I’ll keep it for long but I’m ok with it. I’m ok with not knowing. I’m ok with not being able to have hair for the next year or so and with all the fucked up versions of hair I’ll have to face once I decide to let it grow back.

Somehow I feel more vulnerable, yet more confident and stronger in my own skin than I’ve ever did in the past 4 years. And maybe that’s the point. Maybe the vulnerability isn’t a side effect. Maybe it’s the whole thing. To be seen without the performance of femininity that hair has always carried. To find out that what’s underneath isn’t emptiness but something quieter and more “mine”.

There’s freedom in not having hair. Suddenly I’m worth for who I am, not for how beautiful my hair is or isn’t.

A farewell invitation

Is there anything that you might be carrying that isn't yours. What performance might have you maintained for so long that you might’ve forgotten it’s actually a choice?

📽️ Movie Recommendation

Fackham Hall is witty, satirical and very British (in the most positive way). It’s currently still in the cinemas and I highly recommend it if you could use some laughter.

📚 My April bookshelf

Fiction

This past month I couldn’t finish my fiction book. I’m reading Great Big Beautiful Life by Emily Henry. It’s been interesting enough for a night read before bed. Actually, for this purpose it is pretty good, I often fall asleep after 1- 3 pages 🤣

Non-fiction

This year I’m very proud of my non-fiction choices so far. I’ve been choosing books that are about completely different topics but almost all of them have turned out to be so much more interesting than what I was initially expecting (except the bell hooks ones). This month’s choices are not different.

[SPOILER ALERT]

👉 The Power of The Powerless by Václav Haver (1978) — ★ 5/5

It is excruciating to read this book and notice how accurate and timely it still is, almost 50 years after being published.

The Power Of The Powerless deeply dives into what the author classifies as the “post-totalitarian” system. The author starts by explaining the key differences between classical dictatorship (based on power) and a “post-totalitarian” system (based on ideology) and how we, the people, have both the power to feed that system and destroy it.

For Havel, ideology is the lie that sustains the “post-totalitarian” system. A shared fiction that everyone pretends to believe in even when privately no one really does. This mutual performance is what allows the “post-totalitarian” system to keep succeeding.

The solution that Havel suggests? The only solution when it comes to lies: the truth (more specifically, for one to live within the truth aka authenticity) by consequently creating what the author calls “parallel polis” (spaces of authentic life that exist alongside and underneath the official structure). Although, this “living within the truth” is not a political act but rather an existential and cultural one that might, as a consequence, have a political impact.

This act of personal integrity leads to what the author carefully calls “dissent”. And although one might not start by becoming a “dissent” as a political statement, one inevitably become a “dissent” by simply living within the truth and refusing to accept the lie.

All in all an extremely interesting (and timely) read.

👉 Ways of Seeing by Václav Haver (1972) — ★ 5/5

This is one of those books that actually makes you reflect not only about the world (the world as it was painted vs the world as it is sold to us) but also human behaviour, politics and how easily manipulated we really are.

This book gathers 7 different essays (3 of them entirely pictorial) on art and culture and it is based on a BBC TV show from 1972.

The 4 written essays:

» We have an essay that dives into the way we experience art based on our own life experiences;

» Another about women on art where Berger’s central argument focus on the male gaze, and not only how women are depicted for a male spectator but also how women are conditioned to see themselves as seen;

» Then a reflection on oil painting and how it served as a status statement;

» And finally an entire essay focused on publicity where the author compares it to oil painting, explores the meaning of glamour vs authority and wealth, manipulation, capitalism and women as props.

Each essay is accompanied by many pictorial examples, easy to read and able to spark interesting reflections.

Speaking essays I’ve published lately:

With love and gratitude,

Patricia

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☕ Grab yourself a cup of tea and let’s dive into today’s endeavor

Dear Intentionalist,

I have never been good at belonging to groups. Not in school, not at work, not in society. There’s always been something about them that made me uncomfortable — and for a long time, I couldn’t name what it was.

Six months of reflection later, I think I finally can.

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Two marches, one mission, separated by choice

On International Women’s Day, I went to downtown Lisbon to attend a march. When I arrived, I found not one, but two, just one kilometre apart from each other.

Both were marching for the same purpose: to celebrate International Women’s Day and demand that it means something. Both were organised by feminist associations and collectives. And yet, they had deliberately chosen not to join forces. They marched separately, at the exact same time.

The reason? A disagreement on sex work.

Shon Faye, in The Transgender Issue, wrote about this kind of internal division calling it “politically a gift for fascists.” I think she’s right — and I think the same logic applies here.

If minorities are unable to join forces to face their shared oppressor, change will never come. I understand that collectives will always hold some diverging views and that’s not just inevitable, it’s healthy. But the moment those divergences become reasons to march against each other instead of alongside each other, something has gone deeply wrong.

Those two groups, by refusing to unite, didn’t just weaken themselves. They forced people to choose a side. And one march ended up with a fraction of the participants it could have had. Less visibility. Less noise. Less impact. For what?

Division is a weapon and they're handing it to the other side

This is what feeds my discomfort with groups: the expectation of total allegiance.

The far-right doesn’t struggle with this problem. They rally around a shared enemy with ruthless efficiency. Every crack they find within progressive movements, they exploit. Every internal disagreement becomes ammunition. And while activists debate who is ideologically pure enough to march beside them, those in power are consolidating. As I see it, is a loose-loose situation that keeps feeding the same oppressor.

When we choose division, we become easy targets.

The painful irony is that these collectives start to resemble the very systems they want to dismantle, unable to see past differences, more focused on policing each other than on fighting the structures that harm them both. Oppression is impossible to stop because the people resisting it can’t agree on everything.

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I want to question the systems, not replicate them

I believe the work of activist collectives is essential. That’s not up for debate. But I’ve come to accept that I couldn’t belong to most of them because there seems to be no room for questioning. You’re either fully aligned or you’re out.

If I could suggest just one thing to these collectives it would be to sit down together and identify the battles that matter most right now. To make a short list. Find the two or three fights they can win together, and agree to set aside the rest. Not forever, but for now. Because refusing to build the coalition they can build today, over a disagreement they might resolve tomorrow, is not principled as they believe but actually self-defeating.

Bigotry (the inability to tolerate any perspective but your own) is the enemy of positive change. And it doesn’t only live on the right.

🎭 Worth Watching

Alpha Males (Netflix) is a Spanish series that explores toxic masculinity, patriarchy, feminism and sexuality in a fun, entertaining and light way.

It follows the close friendship of 4 men and the women in their lives from being extremely sexists to the moment they start to question those behaviours and search to become “alpha males in deconstruction”.

There are 4 seasons (5th coming out on April 17th). Episodes are just 30 minutes long and it brings a lot of great reflections on gender, sexuality and masculinity whilst making us laugh.

The Good Place (Netflix) is such an entertaining series to watch!

When Eleanor dies, she wakes up in The Good Place, a neighbourhood in Heaven where only the best humans on earth can live once they die. The problem is that Eleanor was not a good human being (according to the Good Place’s standards) and now this heavenly neighbourhood seems to be falling apart and Eleanor might be to blame… Or is she?

In her attempt to become a better post-mortem human, Eleanor steps into a journey that explores religious rules, worthiness, ethics and morality where nothing really is as it seems…

Episodes are 30 minutes long and one of the things I loved the most about this series is that it makes us question things that might be so ingrained in us that we never really stopped to question before.

📚 My March bookshelf

I write very extensive reviews sometimes and because I don’t want to make this essay never-ending, I’ll start to link my reviews instead of writing them here.

Non-fiction

The Transgender Issue by Shon Faye. The first book I’ve ever read about Transgender people and I must say it’s a must for anyone wishing to educate themselves on this subject. The last 2 chapters were especially interesting. — Review here

Fiction

The Movie Star And Me by Kirsty Greenwood (yes, I’m still addicted to Kirsty’s books for my light reading before bed) — Review here

Have you read any of these?

📖 Right now I’m reading “The Power Of The Powerless” by Václav Havel

🧡 Other thoughts I’ve published lately:

With love and gratitude,

Patricia

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Women:

Always too much but somehow never enough;

Carers by nature except when it comes to leadership positions, of course;

Forever crucified by either being too feminine or not feminine enough;

Our bodies objects, striped of any free will, always on the table — any table — for discussion;

Our minds too emotional to be competent or taken seriously;

Our pain? An overreaction.

Our health? Secondary.

Our rights? Always under attack.

Women, our existence has as much of magic as it has of punishment;

A crucifix we carry with every breathe we take for as long as we shall live;

Our safety never assured, our survival in the hands of our very own perpetrators.

And despite of it all, we endure. Because we are women.

Strong both by nature and by necessity;

Sharp minded, fighters.

Magical beings, able to generate life even if that poses a threat to our own’s.

There’s a hunger inside each one of us, a fire that sometimes gets small but somehow never really gets extinguished.

And that, my beloved sisters, is why they try to control us. It is not because we are fragile or dumb or weak. But exactly because we are strong, intelligent, fierce.

We hold power, a power that oppression has always failed to break. And today we remind ourselves of that power. And we remind the world that we are here to fight, to love, to live, too.

Happy international women’s day, Sister.

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With love and gratitude,

Patricia

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Dear Intentionalist,

I’ve been noticing how the world is changing, especially when it comes to critical thinking and quality standards.

Last year we were told that films are being “dumbed down” to accommodate doomscrolling. [source: The Telegraph]

More recently, a neuroscientists came up stating that Generation Z is the first generation in modern history to have lower IQs than the generation before. [sources: The Daily Mail here and here]

Also last year I was labelled as “too professional” and just a couple of weeks ago someone told me I am “too creative” (whatever that means) — and none of them meant any of these to be compliments.

We can clearly see the pattern forming, can’t we?

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This essay won’t be like the others

And that happens because I don’t have a clear answer or solution, just a shit ton of disbelief and questions.

I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that we are now entering an era of normalizing dumbness and mass manipulation whilst crucifying intelligence and honesty. It makes absolutely no freaking sense. Does it?

And let’s not even talk about the fact that being kind and empathic is now being labelled as being “radical” while genocides and paedophiles are just “normal” shit one should simply accept — silently — and just “get over it”.

Does all this makes you wanna scream too?

Why would we want to evolve?

Being dumb is not just becoming normalized: it’s becoming expected. And that’s not even the worst part of it. This is:

Being dumb is now something to aspire to!

When we live in a society that catalogues someone that is educated as being “overeducated”, having qualifications as being “overqualified”, be curious as being “too complicated”, professionalism as “too professional” and creativity as “too creative”, we are being told to dumb down, be less, stop evolving.

There’s no motivation to learn, to ask questions, to think critically or even be empathetic because all those things are now seen as negative, something to avoid at all costs, impediments to an easy, joyful and fulfilling life.

So, how to stay intelligent in a dumb world?

Well, I might not have answers nor solutions for the state of the world, but I am freaking determined to not let the dumbness bug to catch me!

Here’s my plan to keep my brain sharp:

1. Be curious and feed that curiosity. One of the ways I like to do this is by intentionally consume content (books, documentaries, videos or essays) that I know, as a fact, go against my own beliefs. Is it super fun? Well, most of the times it is more enraging than fun BUT it helps me formulate even better arguments to defend and share my own beliefs and opinions as well as identifying my own blind spots regarding said subjects;

2. Read more books, especially books that foster critical thinking on political or social issues;

3. Question everything — yes, even books and essays! This is essential. There are a lot of fake news and disinformation, especially with AI becoming ever more realistic and accessible. It is crucial that every single thing we hear, read or watch is consumed with caution and intention. A source is named? Check if that source is reliable. Something is giving you big emotions? Question: what does these people gain with this content? Who are the demographics of this content? Why do I have such big emotions about this?;

4. Get out of the bubble. This can be related to point number 1 but the goal is to step outside the comfort zone. Our lives are pretty much tailored by algorithms now. It is easy to only be confronted with things that validate our own realities. Therefore, it is crucial that we get out — literally — and meet new people and different realities.

Do you have any other ideas on how to stay intelligent in the era of “dumbification”? If so, please do share!

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📚 My February bookshelf

February’s reads were not so fun. Have you ever read a book that absolutely everyone in the world praises only for you to end up hating it?

Well, that sums up my February nonfiction reads and, worst of it all, is that, in the end, my issue was not with a specific book but with the author (I’ve read 2 books from that author and hated both equally).

But let’s start with the good reads from February:

Fiction

Jessica Beam Is A Hot Mess by Kirsty Greenwood

If you have read anything by Kirsty Greenwood then this book won’t surprise you: it is entertaining, eventful, intriguing and fun.

Jessica Beam really is a hot mess. In her attempt to runaway from feeling her emotions she signs up to a bunch of adventures that will completely change her life and her way of seeing the world.

I love Kristy’s books to read at night, before bed, because they are such a delightful and light reading. Perfect to send us into an adventure of our own in the dreamland.

I’m giving it 3.5 stars because this one did not make me laugh as much as others from the author.

Yours Truly by Kirsty Greenwood

Yup, looks like I’ve been addicted to Kirsty Greenwood since I first heard about her last year and that’s because her books never disappoint.

Kirsty’s books are light, entertaining and with the right dose of romance and mystery for a romcom. In fact, they always manage to make me laugh hard, sometimes ‘til tears start to fall down. “Yours, truly” was no different.

Natalie (the main character) steps into a messy situation that comes to turn her life upside down. When she thinks it simply can’t get worse, life actually proves her wrong.

I believe we all have a bit of “Natalie Syndrome” where we hide our true selves behind a “politeness mask” until, one day, we don’t even recognise ourselves anymore. “Yous, truly” takes us into the adventure of rediscovering our true selves through Natalie’s eyes.

I give it 4.5 stars because I felt it was so relatable for me and for the laughter it brought me.

Non-fiction

The Will To Change by Bell Hooks

This one was a painful read and not the right kind of pain.

From the first chapter all I wanted to do was quit this book. But I kept pushing because I was hopeful it could become something better. I don’t think it did. I just kept wishing it would come to an end.

This was my first book ever from Bell Hooks. Expectations were high because I’ve heard and read so many good things about her work. And now I’m not sure if I should give her a second chance and read anything else from her. Oh well!

So my issue with this book specifically is that it is a mess.

For starters half of the book are quotes from other authors or essays, which sometimes felt overwhelming because it was one quote after another.

Then, the way I see it, patriarchy was created by men for men and in the end is harmful for every single human alive (regardless of their gender). And although Hooks can point this out herself, the entire book felt like a competition between sexes as in “who does patriarchy harms more? Men? Women? Definitely men.”

The book is also confusing because at first it seems to have been written to target a male audience but because the author keeps putting the responsibility to change the system practically solely on women it does not make sense that the intended audience would be (solely) men.

Now, one of my biggest pet peeves with this book is that it is extremely contradictory. Let me explain:

- We have Hooks saying that patriarchy was created by men but somehow it is women the ones responsible to end it. It sometimes feels like she’s telling that women should mother their adult peers;

- She also speaks about adult men as if they were children completely infantilising men and taking away all their responsibility to change. In some instances she even used the word “reward” to say that men get no reward for talking about their emotions. This left me feeling like she was referring to men as if they were dogs expecting a treat for playing a trick;

- Taking into account the point I made above, she contradicts herself by continually asking women to have faith that men can change but then all she does is talk about men in an infantilising way which doesn’t seem very promissor of “their will to change”, honestly;

- Bell also keeps saying that women should stick around “difficult” men and help them change/break free from patriarchy only to then keep pointing out how patriarchal men are violent and how dangerous they are for women. It sounds as if somehow she expects women to help their own agressor “break free” and have a better life.

The book sometimes feels obsolete which I was already kinda expecting considering the year it was published (2003).

I give it 2 stars because I feel the base idea of the book (that patriarchy is bad and men are severely harmed by it and therefore would benefit if patriarchy came to an end) is still super relevant nowadays. But besides that, I honestly don’t think it has much more to add.

Feminist Theory: From Margin To Center

Similar to what happened when I read The Will To Change mentioned above, I had high hopes for this one, even after my disappointment with the previous one, but I couldn’t even pass through half of it this time.

I felt I was reading the exact same thing for 6 whole chapters. And, above all, I kept finding inconsistencies/contradictions throughout those chapters.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m giving it 2.5 stars because I absolutely agree with the core principles exposed on this book! However, the way Hooks explores those principles do not resonate with me, personally. I felt it lacked a bit of depth and better/more structured arguments.

I found that Hooks contradicted herself in some instances. Which wouldn’t bother me if she had acknowledged those contradictions herself or if she used such contradictions as dialectical tension. But because she didn’t, I ended up feeling that it was more of a conceptual inconsistency instead. It can be tricky when one makes bold statements as if they are absolute truths in both instances (making those statements to negate each other).

When it comes to some definitions, Hooks seem to have more of a philosophical view instead of giving a neutral definition (like when she stated that the word oppression means the complete absence of options which, by definition, does not correspond to the truth). Such things almost sounded manipulative which led me to question the entire credibility of what was being said throughout the rest of the pages I’ve read.

I give her the benefit of the doubt because I know she wrote this book in a different cultural context than where we are today and the feminist movement has been changing over the years so it’s only normal that some things might sound a bit obsolete in some way.

Again, I totally agree with the principles explored in this book, just not exactly with the way Hooks did such exploration. For me, just made the book boring. Couldn’t stop wishing it to be over.

I’ve been reading about feminism and patriarchy for 10 years now so maybe that also plays a role in my view of The Feminist Theory. I quit it halfway through for 2 main reasons:

1. because I kept feeling that the book was not adding anything new to my knowledge, vocabulary nor challenging my way of thinking.

2. because when I read The Will To Change I kept telling myself that by the end of the book it would get better. It didn’t. So chances are it wouldn’t with this one neither and I’d rather move onto my next read than feeling frustrated for having spent yet another week forcing myself to read something that it’s not even exciting or enriching me.

It might be a great book for those who are just starting their journey into such subjects.

Have you read any of these?

I’m currently reading The Transgender Issue by Shon Faye.

Other essays I’ve published lately:

With love and gratitude,

Patricia

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Dear Intentionalist,

almost every time I open my mouth to speak about politics — or even just point out some of my moral values — there’s someone to tell me that I should really just stick to my art and let someone else talk about “those things” instead.

Even my mum throws away tantrums whenever I voice anything that might resemble politics. It is absolutely nuts!

However, I seem unable to follow such instructions, especially when it comes to art and my work.

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Can we really switch politics off?

Well, I don’t believe we can.

Whether you like it not, you are part of a political system and your everyday choices and behaviors are intrinsically linked to that system.

You might not vote. You might not watch the news. You might even live completely off-grid: still your existence is political.

Woman? Your body is political and always the first topic to be on the table for discussion whenever there are changes in governments;

Unborn baby? Political. Their almost-existence is already defined by laws;

BIPOC or Queer person? Your existence is not only political; it’s (political) resistance.

The life you — we! — live is political from the moment we are conceived to the moment we pass away and sometimes even afterwards if we consider all the bureaucracy that comes with death for those still alive to deal with.

Indigenous People And Outlaws

“Oh Patricia, but what about indigenous people? They live completely out of the system.”

Well, no they don’t. Not really.

Even the existence of indigenous people from the Amazon rainforest (just an example) is political. So much so that the Brazilian government has already tried to take them out of there.

Climate change or deforestation laws — among others — influence their lives directly. So whether or not indigenous people want to stay away from the political system not only their existence is political resistance by itself, it is also endangered by the political system of the country they belong to.

And the same goes for outlaws.

An outlaw is in itself someone who breaks the laws, who refuses to follow the political rules in place which automatically makes the outlaw political. After all, without politics they wouldn’t even be able to be outlaws.

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So what about art?

The way I see it, art is a form of expression which automatically makes me think of freedom of speech.

Now, freedom of speech is so political that it is one of the first things dictatorial leaders try to take from their people — in Portugal we even had PIDE, a censorship police that would arrest anyone who dared to voice their opinions about the government.

Even recently the USA have censored books. Just like Hitler have burned down thousands of books during WWII.

These kinds of acts from dictatorial leaders clearly tells us that art is not only political but probably one of the strongest tools against oppression. Otherwise, they' wouldn’t even bother censor it.

Conclusion

The way I see it, everything is somehow political. It is part of us and impossible to get away from it.

Even if we don’t vote, don’t talk about politics, don’t have an opinion about it, don’t watch the news.

And art, above all things, is probably the most political thing there is. Because it holds this extraordinary power to foster critical thinking and I’m pretty sure that is the worst nightmare of any dictatorial leader.

Remember: your voice, your creativity, your money, it all holds power. You hold the power. You might not put a cross on a paper to vote for a party but you make decisions and spend the money you worked so hard to earn and by doing so you are voting with it too. Every. Single. Day.

With love and gratitude,

Patricia

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Dear Intentionalist,

have you ever found yourself pissed at the world because bullshit seems to keep following you? Well, I sure did!

All my life I’ve felt like I was a magnet for bullshit.

No matter what I did, stupid people seemed to become obsessed with me and with throwing their lack of maturity — and reason — at me!

And this happened everywhere: in my personal life, work life or even at the supermarket with complete random strangers.

It was absolutely nuts!

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What if this is just your destiny?

When you seem to have been born with this karmic “bullshit magnet” it’s easy to dwell between being furious about it and accepting that that is just your destiny.

Among all those feelings you know what is the hardest thing to do? Is to look at the situation and figure out what part you, yourself, played. Because you might not have been the one to start it but as soon as you find yourself in the middle of it, then you are playing a part as well — even if you are not aware of it.

Let me explain.

Some — horror — true stories

All my life I’ve dealt with bullies. And I’m not talking about the high school bullies — well, maybe I am if we consider those usually are the ones that become grown up bullies.

I’m talking about godmothers giving the silence treatment because 3 year old me said they shouldn’t put their feet on my grandmother’s table only to have them request an apology from me 20 years after (I’m sorry, what?);

Or 40 year old immature brothers-in-law that make sure to make me feel excluded at any family gathering because I refused to play their manipulative games and now I’m the bad one because with them is always “their way or the highway” and apparently I was assigned the highway, permanently;

Or, probably the best one, having a complete stranger shouting at me from their balcony because I dared to — brace yourself for this one! — seat at a public street bench with my boyfriend in a summer afternoon. Mind you that not only they shouted that I was “dirty” — because I was a woman seating at a bench with a man talking about life — they also did that whilst their grandkid kept spitting at us just for fun.

These are all true stories. Just a few from a collection way too big. They seem ridiculous. Probably because they are. But the point is: I myself played a part in all of them.

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The part you and I play

I didn’t ask for any of these. And although I can clearly see how nonsense these people were — are? — the truth is that for years decades I blamed myself.

That, my dear Intentionalist, was the part I played. The part I still do. Because old habits die hard.

And the catalyst for it is lack of boundaries. Or better yet: lack of assertively set and communicate my boundaries.

No matter what issue you are trying to solve, all real solutions start by being accountable, taking responsibility. Until we address the part we play chances are we will just keep finding ourselves immersed in the exact same issues. Like a vicious cycle, a never-ending loop.

Those situations were all different and yet, all the same. They all have core things in common:

• They all feature me;

• They all feature emotionally immature people with tendency to bully others;

• They are all about control dynamics — using manipulation and violence to bend someone else.

How self-accountability and boundaries break the cycle

We all have boundaries. But not all of us respect them. And that’s where it all begins.

We can not expect others to respect our boundaries if we ourselves don’t respect them. Our boundaries are about us, for us, not about nor for others.

I mean, what sort of example are we sending when we are the first ones to disrespect ourselves? We desperately need to stick to our own boundaries because we can spend our entire lives telling others about our them but unless we act accordingly they’ll never see it — nor should they, really.

Sometimes, especially when these kinds of situations include people we have to deal more regularly with, it might look more appealing to “keep the peace”. To bend. To just shut up and take the hit, silently. But is it? Honestly.

I’ve come to realize that no one should be someone else’s punching bag. Be kind but take no shit is a moto I’m reclaiming for myself! Put a “period.” to that behaviour. Speak up for yourself.

Because: why?

Why would you take the hit silently? Why can these grown up bullies say whatever the fuck they want, do whatever the fuck they please and have no fucking consequences?

I mean, they are coming at you! And they are coming at you — at me! — because somehow you let them think that they can just do whatever they want to you and no consequences will be taking place.

Fuck that, honestly! And by consequences I’m not saying you should start punching people in their faces — although that would be quite nice sometimes — but to just say “no”. Simply “no”.

• No to their behaviours

• No to their control over you

• No to their manipulation

• No to their disrespect

• No to their bullshit.

• Just a big, bold, NO.

So next time someone is throwing their bullshit at me — at you! — I’ll make sure to remember that I, too, play a part in it. And my part will no longer be passive. I’ll make sure I’ll be heard and seen. Because I’m no less than that manipulative prick in front of me and neither are you! So if I have to hear them, they’ll have to hear me — or leave me alone, it’s really their choice.

A side note that, in most cases, you don’t even have to talk to be “heard”, you know what I mean? Sometimes your silence + a confident attitude will scream louder than any word you might shout. As long as you ground yourself and are confident in who you are, those bullies will not win over you.

In the end, it all comes down to how you respond to these situations/people. Even silence hits different depending on how confident you are with it. It can either mean fear or freedom, it is up to you to choose.

And I hope this essay has inspired you to join me in this journey to break your own karmic bullshit magnet cycle by taking responsibility over the part you play and asserting your wonderful boundaries.

📚 My January bookshelf

I’ve been very intentional when it comes to trade my screen time for reading time which might explain how I’ve read 3 books (!!!) in just a month. Here are my thoughts on each of them.

Fiction

⭐3.5/5

Some people don’t ask for what they need. Some people are like religious children that way, mistaking suffering with goodness.
— Phoebe (the main character)

The Wedding people by Alison Espach was not love at first chapter but I gave it the benefit of the doubt, kept reading and it grew on me.

It tells the story of a woman called Phoebe who is getting divorce and realises how she never been quite herself her entire life. As if her whole existence was defined by others, without her voice truly ever been heard.

Faced with this realisation she decided to check-in in one fancy hotel, determined to commit suicide but that is not what happens…

I won’t give you any more spoilers but this book if filled with warm and joyful moments that present to Phoebe an opportunity to finally find her true self. Eventually, her past comes back trying to rescue her, but will she hold onto it? Or will she keep true to her new, truest, self?

Non-fiction

⭐4.5/5

Only two classes of people are asked to be purely good: mothers and children.

— Claire Dederer

Monsters: What Do We Do With Great Art By Bad People? by Claire Dederer is quite a read. Ethics in the art world can be hard to navigate and as an artist myself this question regarding what to do with great art by bad people has been taking more and more space on my mind as the years go by.

I do not think the book answers the question it asks and I don’t think that that was Claire’s goal whatsoever. I consider this a book that invites the reader to think critically.

It is written as a sort of memoir. Exposing the author’s own struggles as both an art critic and the audience of great art, created by bad people.

Should we separate the art from the artist? Is that even possible? Do we vote with our money? Is it ok to buy art from criminal artists already deceased? Does the artists’ actions change the way we see their creations? And what about women? What’s their biggest crime when it comes to being artists?

These and many more questions are addressed in this book that I considered extremely interesting to read. It certainly makes us think deeper into this issue and also question the way we consume art.

I give it 4.5 stars because for some parts of the book I felt the author was really concerned about their own image and over-apologized for her own thoughts. I won’t specify much as I don’t want to give any spoilers, but there are specific chapters where this is very present.

⭐4.5/5

Capitalism relies on our self-hatred to exist.
— Florence Given

Women Living Deliciously by Florence Given was a true delight for my soul.

I’ve been following Florence’s work more closely for the past year or so. Before that I’ve already read her previous book “Women Don’t Owe You Pretty” so it was not a surprise that I enjoyed Women Living Deliciously so much.

Depending on where you are when it comes to feminism, most of what she says might not seem revolutionary. As I’ve been reading so much about social justice, patriarchy and feminism in particular, I feel this book was more of a gentle reminder, a warm hug, an invitation to be even more intentional in my own life.

Florence has a very specific vibe an energy that I find magnetic and joyful to “be around”. If you’ve seen any of her videos on social media or heard her podcast, then you won’t be surprised at how this book is written nor how it unfolds.

I believe we all could use a bit more of joy in our lives and for that purpose I highly recommend this book. Also, it is so beautifully illustrated by Florence herself. It was my “morning book” and I loved to start my days with something so magical.

I give it 4.5 stars because I feel some parts are a bit repetitive. At the same time, I’m grateful they are because that’s what makes it easier to remember some concepts Florence presents throughout the book.

Have you read any of these? Are you inclined to?

Other essays I’ve published lately:

Media worth consuming:

With love and gratitude,

Patricia

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Dear Intentionalist,

Yesterday was elections day in Portugal.

Every time we have elections the far-right grows exponentially. I truly believe that soon enough we will go back to dictatorship. It feels something impossible to avoid, it is just a matter of time.

The more elections I observe the more I realise that there are some cultural issues that are probably feeding this growth:

Parties as Football Teams

I don’t know how this is in other countries, but here in Portugal people vote as if the parties are football teams and not politics.

There are people with 60+ years that all their lives have voted in the exact same party not because they even spend any time reading through their political proposals but simply because that’s the party they’ve always voted for.

As if it’s a football team. And their football team “must win”.

And although football can be political (as part of the culture of a country), politics are not football (nor sport, in general).

This matters because while a football team loosing a game do not affect the lives of those watching it, politics, in the other hand, have impact in every single human that lives in that country — and even beyond those borders!

Emotionally Immature Leaders

This is not the first time I mention this issue here.

You see it everywhere: Trump, Netanyahu, Putin and, in Portugal, André Ventura (and many others, we like to collect them like Pokemon’s, apparently).

What those men all have in common — besides their gender and race — is their emotional immaturity and their absolute confidence that no one can ever, EVER!, make them accountable for any of the fucked up shit they do. Just like 8 years old that have no sense of responsibility yet. And, I mean, I would have that confidence too if all of my crimes were on TV for the entire world to see without ever have to deal with any consequences.

Bullies on steroids, fed by the thrill of massive destruction as if the world was just a huge videogame they’re all having fun playing and we, the people, just their pawns.

Keeping up with the analogy

So if we must keep treating politics as football, we better do it for real!

By gathering on the streets to demand change as easily as we gather in pubs to watch them play;

By being fearless to show yellow cards when they are necessary;

By demanding the expulsion of those who commited a foul so serious that not even a yellow card is enough.

The choice is not between one team or the other. It’s not even between left or right. The real choice to be made is between democracy or dictatorship! If that’s not the easiest choice we’ve ever been called to make then I don’t know which is.

With love and gratitude,

Patricia

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Dear Intentionalist,

Happy new year! 🎆

I often think about how mutable we, humans, are and how fascinating that is. Our ability to learn new things, evolve with time and reinvent ourselves is, to my understanding, the most amazing feature of a human being.

There is a lot of talk about authenticity. Everyone praises it but almost no one acts accordingly. I mean, there’s a price to pay for being authentic, after all.

Being authentic is great in theory, but awful in practice

Here’s what I mean:

People tell you to be authentic only to shut you off when you act authentically

I believe this happens because authenticity is only pretty on paper, when it is solely something to aspire to. But when suddenly someone acts authentically then rules fall down because one can not be authentic as long as one complies to other’s rules.

This is, obviously, very inconvenient and so the same people that told you to “just be you” is the exact same people that will then tell you “no, not that way” because, another thing that makes human beings human, is this need for control and nothing that is unpredictable and out of the script can ever be controlled — our entire societal system is based on this same premise.

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When “authenticity” looks the same on everyone, is it still authentic?

Everyone that doesn’t act or look like the majority of people is, usually, cast out — I should know.

Maybe because of that, everyone looks alike: we look around and everyone use the same haircuts, wear the same clothes, drive the same look-a-like cars, go to the exact same places, eat the exact same food, say the exact same things, praise the same idols, listen to the same songs and travel to the same places.

A lot of times, our thoughts are not even ours. Not really. Not until we sit with them and intentionally question ourselves.

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A reminder: You have no obligation to be today the same person you were yesterday

I say this because, often times, we are the first ones to censor our own authenticity.

• We might wish to be authentic but that looks — and feels — frightening;

• We actually believe we are living authentically but in fact are just following someone else’s script, completely unaware of it;

• We truly desire to be authentic but don’t even know how that looks like, really;

• We are ready to be the most authentic selves we’ve ever been, but not completely ready to free dive into the unknown that comes with that — to open hand of the control we think we have be it regarding ourselves or the perceptions of those around us;

• We are terrified that we will shock, hurt or disappoint others once we show who we really are.

Whatever it is, it is easy to fall down this rabbit hole where everyday looks the same, feels the same, are the same. And no matter how much we actually want to change our reality, we feel this obligation to be today who we were yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before…

But we don’t! The world won’t stop just because you decided to cut your hair shorter or tried a dress that is completely out of the ordinary for you but that secretly you’ve been dying to try out for ages!

So if you have to choose one single goal for 2026 let this be this one.

• Let your main goal for this new year be to free yourself from the tethers that other’s have put on you;

• Let it be the hair color change you’ve been dreaming of;

• Or telling the world about the book you’ve been secretly writing for months — perhaps even years — because you fear the world will tell you you’re not an author;

• Or signup for theatre lessons because you’ve always dreamed about acting!;

• Or perhaps just saying “yes” more often.

Whatever it is that is inside you, starving to come out, let it be free. Let is shine. Let it scream. Let it be seen!

May 2026 bring you 365 opportunities to laugh, love and live joyful adventures, Intentionalist.

With love and gratitude,

Patricia

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Dear Intentionalist,

Can I ask you something personal?

Have you ever looked at your packed calendar and thought, “Why does it feel so wrong that we have to schedule time for each other?”, because in 13 years with my partner I certainly have!

It’s a quiet whisper of guilt, isn’t it? A feeling that if your love were real or passionate enough, connection would just... happen. Spontaneously. Effortlessly.

We’ve been sold a romantic myth by films and literature, a myth that clashes harshly with the reality of our demanding modern lives. For busy, ambitious couples, waiting for connection to “just happen” is a recipe for it never happening at all.

Today, I want to challenge that myth and offer you a new perspective:

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Intentionality is the new spontaneity.

Scheduling time for your partner isn’t a sign of failure. In fact, I strongly believe it is the ultimate act of love in a world of endless demands.

It’s a declaration that your relationship is not an afterthought, but a non-negotiable priority.

When you block out time for your partner, you are:

• Protecting your love by building a fortress around your connection, safeguarding it from the creep of resentment and neglect;

• Cultivating excitement by creating “connection appointments” in your busy calendars. This isn’t a chore but rather a promise. It’s a source of positive anticipation that can light up a draining week;

• Choosing quality by ensuring that the limited time you have is high-quality, present and, especially important, free from distraction.

In fact, these “quality time together challenges” we nowadays face were the exact propulsor for me to completely change my own way of working.

As a couples photographer I always aimed to deliver way more than “pretty pictures” to my couples because I knew that to make time to be together was the ultimate “connection appointment” for them.

Time is our most valuable asset, therefore, each second we can spend with our partner should be of the highest quality.

So for me to be able to facilitate a meticulously curated experience where the logistical burdens are lifted, allowing you to simply show up and be present with each other transforming the act of scheduling quality time together into a beautiful, tangible investment in your shared story is a long dreamed vision come true.

Years from now we can either look back and feel that we have enjoyed life as much as we could or regret that we dedicated so much of our time and energy solely to our careers, leaving our most precious relationships drift apart.

It’s your choice. And it’s a daily one, I’m afraid.

Your Turn: The Connection Appointment Blueprint

This month, to help you put this philosophy into practice, I've created “The Connection Appointment Blueprint.” It’s a free framework to help you and your partner design your ideal recurring date night, from frequency and budget to the types of activities that will truly nourish you both.

I know that December is extra challenging with the holidays and that’s exactly why it is also extra important that you take some time to nurture your relationship so I’m inviting you to take one small, powerful step this week:

• Open your calendar, find a 30-minute slot in the next seven days and title it: “Connection.”

Don’t even plan what you’ll do. Just protect the time. That single act is the beginning of creating your own spontaneity.

Download your free copy of “The Connection Appointment Blueprint.” here ↓

The “connection Appointment” Blueprint By Patricia Nunes Photography

6.66MB ∙ PDF file

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📆 Agenda | December 2025

📍 London

I’m spending the Holidays in London and have just a handful of very special spots available to capture love stories around the city.

If you wish to book a spot and live a romcom of your own, click below ↓

+ info here

🎭 Currently Recommending

🎥 Poor Things

⚠️ this review may contain spoilers

I almost feel ashamed to admit that only now I’ve managed to watch Poor Things but then I remember that it is not a crime to not watch every single movie as soon as it is released, no matter how modern society tries to convince us otherwise.

Emma Stone is a wonderful actress. In fact, that’s true for the entire cast of Poor Things, I believe.

What I loved the most about this movie is the underlying messages we can easily encounter. And, to be honest, I believe this is one of those movies one must watch several times in order to absorb every single detail.

Of course every single person will have their own interpretation. We are all biased when interpreting art because our interpretation is highly influenced by our own experiences and beliefs.

For me this movie tells the tale of female emancipation. We see a child trapped in an adult’s body, which made me think of how girls are conditioned to behave in a certain way from as soon as they — we — are born. And, if we think about it, a lot of times we are treated as kids even when we are already grown up adults.

This child-like adult woman has her life completely manipulated and ruled by the men around her as if they own her. She does not belong to herself, but to them. Even when she runs from one she ends up trapped by another.

Life’s little pleasures, freedom and even curiosity are all denied to her. As the movie progress we watch her conquer her own freedom, one step at a time:

• By discovering self-pleasure and then surrender to pleasure with others

• By travelling the world and immerse herself in other cultures

• By meeting other people and starting to read which brings her new knowledge and, as we know, knowledge is power

• By starting to question everything she has been told and breaking free from those rules that do not serve her

• By facing the abusive men in her life and cut them off

• By being the only owner of herself and her own destiny

It is an inspiring movie, even for those like me that do not usually fancy sci-fi or futuristic stuff. I’d recommend it to anyone who enjoys narratives that foster critical thinking and questioning of the status quo.

📖 The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing by Bronnie Ware

Now, I won’t lie to you: I’ve read this book back in 2022.

Although, it still comes to my mind quite often which clearly tells me that it is a great book — one that has impacted my life in a way that not even time can erase so it might do the same for you.

I won’t say much, because this is one of those books that anyone would benefit from reading even without much context so I’ll simply paste my Goodreads review I wrote back in 2022 because it still makes sense for me:

Raw, deep, inspiring, playful and even light. This book can be all at once.

It really makes you question. It invites you to look deep within, self-questioning your daily choices. It gives you perspective and invites you to acknowledge what really matters in life.

It also talks about depression and how the author overcame the darkest phase of her life, which can be very inspiring and give anyone a pinch of hope if they’re going through bad times.

First time reading something from this author but I’m pretty sure it won’t be the last.

🧡 Other thoughts I’ve shared during November

With love and gratitude,

Patricia

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☕ Grab yourself a cup of tea and let’s dive into today’s endeavor

Hello Intentionalist,

Yesterday my boyfriend and I went shopping for our soon-to-be 6 year old cousin.

Upon choosing the right piece of clothing to gift — because we refuse to offer yet another toy! — Fernando asked me, with pure concern in his eyes:

“Is this too cheap?”

Now, cheap and expensive are 2 concepts that will vary immensely from person to person, I believe. It is dependent on:

1. How much one earns + their expenses/way of living;

2. What one values the most.

My answer to his concern was that we give what we have and if that’s not enough for someone else then it’s not our problem, it’s theirs.

Mind you, this is not about material goods.

It’s about everything else.

This kinda reminded me of the homeless guy we once met when visiting Azores. The story went like this:

He asked for money to go grab a Sandwich.

Instead of giving him money we offered our own food — sandwiches we had prepared for our hiking day — which he declined because “what he actually wanted was fruit”.

Well, we had fruit too so we offered ours. He didn’t take it because “he wanted a sweet beverage.” Guess what: we had that too!

Upon so many tries, he called us names and went away.

He had nothing — on his own words — but we offered him all we’ve got. It still wasn’t enough. And that’s on him.

If your own cup is running empty then you won’t be able to pour much into someone else’s. And that’s ok. You do the best you can with what you have in each moment and that’s enough.

Some people might not get it. Some might even point that you are failing them. But that’s on them. And that’s ok too because not everyone is able to empathize with others and in that case they are doing you a favor by making it clear that they are not the right people to be there for you shall you need someone.

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So on November 30th we will be attending our little cousin’s birthday party bringing him something we took the time and energy to intentionally and thoughtfully select specifically for him, based on his own personality, taste and comfort and if, in the end, all that matters for him or his parents — or someone else’s — is the tag sewed to it, so be it.

We gave from us all we could in that moment. Dare someone demand from us more than that and I’ll know that we are standing in the wrong room.

With love and gratitude,

Patricia

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☕ Grab yourself a cup of tea and let’s dive into today’s endeavor

Hello Intentionalist,

for the past couple of years I’ve been navigating this weird existential crisis where I feel completely lost and with no spark left inside so I did what I believe we all do when we feel such things: I searched for answers, solutions.

During my endeavour — that is far from being over — I’ve immersed myself in other people’s stories. I searched for their testimonials on how they navigate these weird stages of life themselves.

It usually goes something like this:

• Just be who you are, without letting the opinions of others shape your life

• Connect with your inner child (by having — or rescuing — creative hobbies, living more offline and not as much online, turning off the outside noise and spending more time outdoors)

However, I believe this is faulty for a lot of people.

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Here’s why:

Because “just be who you are” is the type of advice that only works if you do know who you are!

Most of us, when feeling stuck, do feel so because we are lost.

We’ve lost ourselves somewhere along the way and no matter how many times we are told to “just be who we are” it won’t magically happen because in order for it to help us we must first find out not just who we are but also who we want to be.

And for that, I guess no one really knows what to do.

And that’s when the “just connect with your inner child” comes to play, which is also faulty because it only works if one has ever been able to actually be a child.

If one were born into a household where being a child was not safe nor permitted and where they had to be the “responsible adult” from an early age, then how can we expect them to connect with a part of themselves that they themselves have never met?

Ideally I would end this little essay with an answer, a solution that would help you — and me — get out of this weird, confusing and sometimes desperate season of life.

Unfortunately, today I don’t have the answers. But I’ll keep searching.

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With love and gratitude,

Patricia

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☕ Grab yourself a cup of tea and let’s dive into today’s endeavor

This is a human-generated essay based on lessons I’ve retrieved from my reading of The Next Conversation by Jefferson Fisher

Dear Intentionalist,

Today I want to dive into something that I’m sure happens as much at my house as it does in yours: arguments / disagreements.

And if you are about to raise your defensive wall and shout at me that you have a perfect relationship without ever arguing nor disagreeing, give me a second.

First and foremost, arguing or disagreeing with your partner (or whoever else) does not mean that your relationship is faulty! In fact it only means that both of you are critical thinkers.

Secondly, arguments and disagreements are not generally bad! In fact they are opportunities for growth (both individually and as partners). Our mistake, as human beings, is wanting to win those arguments.

Let me explain.

The 3 stages of arguments / disagreements

Stage 1. Meeting the person

“The person you see is not the person you are talking to." — Jefferson Fisher

Here’s how a disagreement would be solved in my (and probably yours too) perfect world :

1. My partner would admit he’s wrong as soon as I pointed that out;

2. When saying he is “fine” he would actually mean it;

3. What I see on the outside — what I think I know about my partner — is all there’s on the inside as well.

What actually happens:

1. My partner gets defensive as soon as I point out that he might be wrong;

2. He says he’s fine when, in fact, he absolutely is not;

3. What I see on the outside is a mask he has chosen to show me, not what really goes on the inside.

Relatable? I thought so.

In the world we live in, being wrong is probably the most shameful and disgraceful thing there is to be (ok, I might be overreacting here… or am I?).

For millennia, our survival depended on our ability to be right: make the right choices, take the right decisions. To some degree, it still is this way.

Being wrong makes us feel weak, dumb, laughed at. Com’on, tell me I’m wrong (see what I did there?).

You know what else it makes us feel? Angry! All of a sudden we have to prove them wrong. Isn’t it amusing? It is a full circle, really.

But let’s proceed.

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Stage 2. Uncovering the struggle

“Dropping the need to win an argument will get you more of what you want.” — Jefferson Fisher

Well, there’s obviously a reason for you to be arguing. But no matter the topic that led you to that specific disagreement, the struggle is quite simple to figure out: the need to win it.

As soon as winning becomes the goal, only disgrace is to follow.

You see, the term “winning” immediately makes us feel that this is, in fact, a competition. And perhaps even a competition for survival. Absolutely no one wants to feel a fool, a loser, weak. After all, the equation is quite simple:

Winning = Strength; Loosing = Weakness

Q: So what’s the option?

A: Debating instead of winning.

“An argument is a window into another person’s struggle” — Jefferson Fisher

3. Overcoming the challenge

Here’s some key understandings when it comes to conflict resolution:

• Disagreement is not about a difference in opinions but rather 2 completely world (views) colliding;

• Every opinion is based on a specific set of experiences and knowledge (which varies immensely from individual to individual);

• Unraveling those experiences ↑ will provide you an answer to “why is my partner reacting like this?” and that’s the second step to solve the conflict (the first one is to erase the will to “win”, remember?).

“Curiosity will lead you further than “being right” ever would.” — This quote is actually mine, thank you

The key here is to learn with each conflict. Every failure is a stepping stone to success — this is true for business but also for communication.

Every mistake builds repertory, teaching us something we can improve or implement next time.

Q: But how to do it, Patricia?
A: Like this ↓

Toolkits and Guides

Your Turn | The Conflict to Connection Toolkit: A Two-Part Framework

This month’s toolkit will help you resolve conflicts, arguments or disagreements that might come to say “hello” between you and your partner. These practical steps seem extremely simple but they have the ability to produce major transformations, especially when the moment is a bit heated.

Part 1: Building the Foundation (Do this during a time of peace)

You see, it all starts with you.

You can not understand the other person if you can’t even understand yourself. So sit down for a second and truly reflect:

• What life experiences have shaped how you see conflict? (think of your upbringing: what examples did you have available when growing up?)

• Is conflict something you fear and want to avoid OR something your’are at peace with? Do you feel “addicted” to it in someway?

• How did watching arguments in your childhood influences the way you argue now? Are you mimicking someone?

Invite your partner to do the same. Sharing these reflections builds a bedrock of empathy for when disagreements inevitably arise.

This might not solve every conflict right away, but when you know where the other person is coming from you can understand 2 key things:

1. That their reaction has a lot more to do with their own story and life experiences than it has to do with you;

2. Empathy and concern will take the place that was previously filled with “I’m being attacked and must defend myself”.

Part 2: The In-the-Moment Guide (Use this when things get heated)

When you feel an argument starting, remember that the goal is to shift from “winning” to “understanding.” Pause the conversation and agree to follow these steps.

Step 1: The “I Feel” Statement (Speaker’s Turn)

The person who raised the issue starts. Frame your feelings using this structure to avoid blame:

• “When [the specific action] happens, the story I tell myself is [your interpretation/fear], and that makes me feel [your emotion].”

Example: “When I see the dishes left in the sink, the story I tell myself is that my time isn’t being respected, and that makes me feel invisible and frustrated.”

Step 2: The “Curiosity Question” (Listener’s Turn)

The listener’s ONLY job is to listen. You cannot defend yourself. Your goal is to understand. When the speaker is finished, your response should be a question or invitation rooted in curiosity.

Good Curiosity Questions/Invitations:

• “Tell me more about why that makes you feel [insert shared emotion].”

• “What’s the most frustrating part of that for you?”

• “I didn’t realize it felt that way. Can you help me understand the [insert their shared interpretation/fear] part better?”

Step 3: Switch Roles

Now, the listener gets to use the “I Feel” statement, and the original speaker becomes the listener, armed with curiosity.

This framework stops the cycle of attack and defense. It forces you both onto the same team, with the shared goal of understanding each other’s hidden struggles.

🦋 Contemplation

🎞 Worth Watching:

🌱 Other essays I’ve written in October

🧡 How I’ve turned Hailey & Griffin’s pre-wedding photos into an intentional (and emotional) experience [read here]

Wishing you a lovely month of November!

With love and gratitude,

Patricia

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☕ Grab yourself a cup of tea and let’s dive into today’s endeavor

Hello Intentionalist,

lately I’ve been thinking a lot about stagnancy. Probably because for the past few months I’ve been feeling stagnant, lost, stuck in the same place, day after day.

But am I, really?

I’ve been coming to realize that stagnancy might not be real. In fact, I kinda believe that it is just something we came up with to protect our own ego from hurting in moments already hard to face.

You see, we, humans, are made to evolve. That’s been part of our biology since the beginning of time and the reason why we have survived all these millennia as a species.

So when I think about stagnancy I see it as a made up lie. If we are not evolving then we are regressing.

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Here’s my theory:

Everyday that passes that we do not put to use our knowledge or ability to learn, we are loosing that same knowledge and that same ability.

Our brain is just like any other muscle in our body: if you stop using it, it will loose strength.

Same as with those muscles, once we stop learning, reading, being involved or practicing what we’ve already learned before, our brain suddenly starts to forget it:

• Absorbing new information becomes harder.

• Remembering things we once knew becomes a challenge.

• And even communicating with orders can suddenly feel a whole lot of effort.

So if stagnancy does not exist, then what are we doing when we feel stuck?

Well, we are either evolving or regressing.

The truth is: time does not stop. So whether we like it or not, time will still pass by which basically tells us stagnancy is not quite possible.

Sometimes we feel stuck just because our lives seem a whole bunch of nothing.

We eat the same food, go to the same places, do the same things, listen to the same songs. Over and over and over again. And nothing really seems to change for months or even years.

The dreams and goals we always had seem even further than before, or perhaps they don’t even make sense anymore, which leaves us questioning what the hell are we doing here.

It is easy to not see the tiniest progress when what we really desire is a big change.

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How do I know if I’m evolving or regressing?

When feeling stuck, lost or “stagnant”, ask yourself:

• Am I still learning new things?

• Are there things that spark my curiosity and excitement?

• Have I been able to try new things, even if small ones (like a new dessert or a new coffee shop)?

• Where does my feeling of stagnancy comes from? Is it because I really haven’t done “nothing” or is it because what I’ve been doing does not fulfill me anymore?

• Are there any goals or dreams I’ve been working towards to that feel further and further away, no matter how hard I try to reach them? If so, which?

• Am I spending too much time on tasks that don’t really add anything to my life just to feel “productive”?

The answer to these questions will guide you through your own mental fog, bringing some clarity to what your life really looks like outside of your own “I’m tired of being stuck” perception.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not promising you a big change! Perhaps you’ll still feel stuck, but at least you might have a bit more clarity on how that feeling is being fed and how is it showing up in your life — and that is already an evolution!

With love and gratitute,

Patricia

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☕ Grab yourself a cup of tea and let’s dive into today’s endeavor

Hello Intentionalist,

I want you to pause and think about the last time you and your partner were truly together.

I don’t mean sitting in the same room while you answer emails. I don’t mean discussing who’s handling bills or what to make for dinner.

I mean truly, deeply present. Where the only thing on the to-do list was each other.

If it takes you a minute to remember, you are not alone.

So many of us, especially high-achieving couples, find ourselves caught in a relentless cycle. Our homes become centers for domestic management and our work life bleeds into everything else. We build a life that functions efficiently, but we slowly lose the space for the emotional intimacy and shared joy that made us a “we” in the first place.

The unspoken question hangs in the air: In a world that demands constant performance, where can we simply be ourselves?

There’s a powerful sociological concept that offers a solution and it’s something I’ve become obsessed with lately: the idea of a “Third Place.”

The Two Places That Are Squeezing Your Relationship

Sociologist Ray Oldenburg described human life as having three essential environments:

• The First Place: Your home.

• The Second Place: Your work.

• The Third Place: Everything else.

The third place is a neutral ground. It’s the cozy cafe, the bustling park, the quiet library, the vibrant community center. It’s any space where you can simply exist without the obligations of home or the pressures of work.

For generations, these spaces were the bedrock of community and connection. But today, with remote work blurring the lines and digital demands never switching off, many of us are living in a two-place world. We are suffering from a “third place deficit,” and it’s quietly starving our relationships (in general, not just the romantic ones).

Why Your Partnership Desperately Needs a Third Place

When you intentionally step out of your home/work cycle and into a shared third place, something magical happens.

1. You Get Psychological Relief: Stepping into a new setting introduces novelty, which triggers a dopamine release in the brain (that “feel-good” chemical). The dynamic shifts away from tasks and towards genuine, playful presence.

2. You Strengthen Your “Couple Identity”: When you build a ritual (be it a weekly walk in a specific park or a monthly visit to an art gallery) you are actively co-authoring your story. You are reinforcing your identity as a unit, separate from your professional or domestic roles.

3. You Create Lasting Memories: These shared experiences build a reservoir of unique memories that become the foundation for navigating life’s challenges. Without them, a relationship risks becoming just an extension of life’s obligations.

This is where I see my work as a photographer and experiences designer intersect with this profound need. An intentionally designed photoshoot, for example, is more than just taking pictures. It is the conscious creation of a third place, a sanctuary where your only “work” is to reconnect.

Your Turn: A Moment for Reflection

This month, I’m not just sharing the theory. For my paid subscribers, I’ve created the first Connection Toolkit: “The Third Place Audit.” It’s a 10-question worksheet designed for you and your partner to diagnose your current spaces and identify what you miss most.

But for everyone here, I want to leave you with one question to ponder. You can write it down, or even better, ask your partner tonight:

“What is one memory from our past where we felt most like “us” and what was it about that place that made it possible?”

The answer holds a clue to the kind of third place your relationship might be craving.

📆 Cultural Agenda | October 2025

📍 London

What: An emerging artists collective exhibition where a piece of my conceptual work “Phoenix: a narrative about toxic masculinity” will also be featured.

When: Private viewing & bar on October 23 (if you want tickets message me)

Open to the general public from October 24 to October 26

Where: 157 Regent’s Park Rd London NW1 8BB (nearest tube station: Chalk Farm)

Entrance: free

+ info here soon

📍 Lisbon

What: A series of cultural events and activities in Sintra to celebrate Sintra’s heritage and autumn.

When: Several dates throughout October and November

Where: Several locations in Sintra

Entrance: from 1€

+ info here

🎭 Currently Recommending

🎞 The Boys (Amazon Prime)

This series is one of those I’ll probably never forget. My hopes where none, if I’m honest. I agreed to watch it because Fernando (my boyfriend) really wanted to watch it and I thought that I owe him that effort after 13 years together.

He told me it was a “anti-heroes series” so I was not amused until we hit play. Within 10 minutes I was shocked and needed to know more!

There is a lot of action, yes, but I think more than an action series it is a psychological thriller. It can be enraging, I spent most of the time angry but also amused because there’s a lot of (dark) humour as well so one does not feel overwhelmingly anger aaaaalll the time.

The parallel between the series and today’s real world is smartly portrayed and the main character (Homelander), although absolutely nuts, makes us want to know more about him. In fact, the actor (Antony Starr) does a terrific job playing such a messed up, complex and psychologically unbalanced character. It reminded me of Joaquin Phoenix as the Joker but on a completely different level!

The last season is still being recorded and will be released during 2026 and I can not wait!

📖 The Seven Husbands Of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid

After spending 8 years without reading fiction I realized my reading habits were not very productive considering I was reading technical books to fall asleep which made me feel I wasn’t absorbing any knowledge at all so I decided it was time to return to the fictional world (at least when it comes to bed time).

I’ve heard a lot of things about The Seven Husbands Of Evelyn Hugo but at the same time I didn’t know anything about it. All I knew was that it was a romance and somehow a popular one.

Maybe because of my ignorance, I was not expecting it to be such a powerful piece of art. The way it is written allows the readers to have more of an immersive experience. The “newspaper’s articles” made me feel that I was in fact there, back in the 60’s, actually reading those headlines during my morning coffee.

The main character, Evelyn Hugo, is beautifully portrayed in a very deep way, making us feel that there is so much more to the story from the very first moment. She is, just like we all are, a ver complex person indeed.

This book is an ode to love. Not only romantic love, but also friendship and family love. It touches on complex themes as domestic violence, shame, LGBTQIA+ as a “crime”, grief and “impossible” relationships.

It is incredibly powerful for anyone who is open to step out of their real life for a moment and immerse into the crazy Hollywood universe from the 60’s.

Note: apparently there’s also a Netflix movie based on this romance if you want to give it a try (I haven’t seen it).

🎵 Chelas by Sara Correia

In 2023 I did a work exchange in South Sommerset. My goal was to stay with a British family so I could immerse myself more into the British culture. There was a Spanish guy staying there at the same time.

He was a musician and maybe because of that he insisted that portuguese Fado is always happy.

You see, there are different types of fado but I’ll dare say that none is happy. Even those that have more rhythm are, in fact, sad if one simply pays attention to the lyrics.

Anyway, recently I’ve discovered this song from one of our biggest fado singers of the present time. If you don’t understand portuguese, I invite you to read a translated version of the lyrics here. But what I love the most about this song is how strong and interventive it is.

Chelas is a poor and often considered “problematic” neighborhood in Lisbon. It is a social housing neighborhood. Sara was born and bred there and if we close our eyes we can hear the pain and anger of her upbringing in her voice.

For the past month I’ve been obsessed with this song and I hope you enjoy it, even if you don’t speak portuguese.

🧡 Your Connection Toolkit | The Third Place Audit

This audit is a short diagnostic exercise designed to be completed together. The goal isn’t to find “right” or “wrong” answers, but to spark an honest conversation about the spaces you share and the ones you might be missing and help you move from there.

Instructions: Find a quiet 20-30 minutes together. Make a cup of tea or pour a glass of wine. For each question, take a moment to think individually first and then share your answers openly with one another. The real magic happens in the discussion that follows each question.

Part 1: Diagnosing Your Current Spaces

Question 1: The “Where Do We Talk?” Inventory » Outside of your home, where have you had your three most recent meaningful conversations? (A “meaningful conversation” is anything that wasn’t about logistics, chores or work updates.)

Question 2: The Energy Audit » Think about your home. What three words best describe the energy of your home on a typical weeknight? (e.g., “Restful, cozy, safe” or “Stressful, cluttered, administrative”).

Question 3: The Weekend Rut Check » When you have a free Saturday with no set plans, what is your default activity as a couple? Be honest. (e.g., “Run errands,” “Watch Netflix,” “Go to the gym separately,” “Work on our laptops side-by-side”, “Doom scroll on the couch”).

Question 4: The “Just Us” Litmus Test » When was the last time you were in a public or social setting together where the primary purpose was simply to enjoy each other’s company, with no other goal or obligation attached? (Mind you: A networking event or a friend’s kid’s birthday party doesn’t count).

Question 5: The Spontaneity Score » On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is “completely scheduled” and 10 is “effortlessly spontaneous,” how much room for unplanned connection and play exists in your shared life right now?

Part 2: Identifying What You Miss

Question 6: The “Remember When?” Question » Describe a memory from earlier in your relationship when you felt most connected, alive and “like yourselves” as a couple. Where were you and what were you doing? What did that feeling have that your current routine might be missing?

Question 7: The “If We Had a Place” Dream » Imagine you had a dedicated spot (a “third place”) that was your go-to sanctuary as a couple. What would you do there? What would it feel like? (e.g., “We’d read side-by-side in a quiet cafe,” “We’d have lively debates in a cozy pub,” “We’d people-watch from a specific park bench”).

Question 8: The Shared Identity Wish » Beyond being partners and (perhaps) homeowners or professionals, what shared identity do you wish you had more time to cultivate? (e.g., “Explorers,” “Art Lovers,” “Intellectuals,” “Playful Challengers”).

Question 9: The Emotional Need » If you could inject one of the following feelings into your relationship on a more regular basis, which would you choose?

a) Playfulness & Laughter

b) Quiet & Calm Presence

c) Shared Intellectual Discovery

d) Flirtatious & Romantic Energy

Question 10: The First Small Step » Looking at your answers, what is the smallest, easiest action you could take in the next seven days to create a tiny sliver of a “third place” experience? (This is not a grand plan. Think micro-step. e.g., “Go for a 15-minute walk after dinner with no phones,” “Visit that bookstore we both like for 30 minutes on Saturday”).

After the Audit: Your Next Conversation

Discuss your answers.

• What surprised you?

• Where did your answers align perfectly?

• Where did they differ?

The answer to Question 10 is your starting point. The goal isn’t to fix everything at once but to reclaim your connection, one intentional experience at a time.

With love and gratitude,

Patricia

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☕ Grab yourself a cup of tea and let’s dive into today’s endeavor

Dear friends,

This letter is a bit different. Today, I’m not just writing a post, I’m turning a page.

I’m saying goodbye to the “Weary of Trivial Discourse” newsletter as you know it, and saying hello to “Intentional.”

A year ago, I started this newsletter to create a space free from quick, hollow conversations. While I loved sharing my deepest thoughts with you, I often found myself abandoning this space. I promised a bi-weekly pace, but I learned that creativity and insight can’t be forced onto a rigid schedule.

I respect you and your time way too much to add to the noise of the online world. When I found myself stressing about “coming up with ideas” just to keep the pace, I knew I had to pause and rethink everything. I needed to answer one, shouting question:

“How can I serve this community in a more meaningful and helpful way?”

That’s why today, I’m re-launching this newsletter to be more focused, more helpful and true to its brand new name: Intentional.

What This Means For You

What Stays the Same:

• My core mission: This will always be a space for fostering critical thinking and questioning the status quo.

• Curated recommendations: I’ll continue to share cultural, creative and artistic finds that I believe are truly worth your time.

What Gets Better:

• Frequency & Quality: I’m moving from a bi-weekly schedule to a more aligned and high-quality frequency. This means that my aim is to deliver 1 high-quality essay per month but depending on my availability I might deliver more than that.

• The name: “Weary Of Trivial Discourse” was the problem we are all feeling. “Intentional” is the solution we will build together. It aligns with my work, my life and the value I want to bring to you.

• Extra essays: as mentioned in point 1, I might share extra essays more freely and without such a strict schedule.

From the “How” to the “Why”

The Intentional monthly newsletter will continue to explore the big ideas (the “why”). However, because I want to serve you better, whenever it is justified there might be toolkits available. Some will be free, others might direct you to already existing digital tools that I sell on my website. These toolkits are for those who are ready to put those big ideas into practice (the “how”).

Toolkits might look like:

• Cut through the chase guides: with step-by-step actions that will guide you from where you are at to where you want to be;

• Blueprints: that will help you easily assess where you are, what is working and what can be improved;

• Checklists and systems: because sometimes all we need is a printable PDF or Notion database that keeps us accountable when trying to build new, joyful and more meaningful habits and relationships.

This space has always been yours as much as it is mine. I am so excited to share this new, more intentional chapter of our community of mindful souls with you!

If you have any questions, suggestions or special requests, please don’t hesitate to share with me.

With much love and gratitude,

Patricia

let’s connect: instagram | subscribe newsletter | LinkedIn

☕ Grab yourself a cup of tea and let’s dive into today’s endeavor

Emotional maturity is probably the most important trait any leader — be it in corporate or politics — should have. Yet, considering the state of the world, it’s often the number one characteristic that lacks.

When we have 50+ year old white men, leading countries and billionaire corporations, throwing away tantrums just like 8 year old boys do, disaster is inevitable.

Women have been told they are too emotional to lead anything — be it a country or even their own home!

Apparently, we get too attached, are too sensible, too human to ever succeed at any leadership position (funny enough, humanity is what is missing the most in today’s world).

And yet, we look around and all we see is an undeniable pattern: white middle aged (or older) men blowing up the world we live in because their egos are too fragile and all they care about is comparing d*ck sizes.

Humanity is falling apart and emotional immaturity is to blame.

I wish I could finish this section by presenting you with a simple solution. Unfortunately, I don’t have one.

Obviously, to end patriarchy is the solution.

To redefine masculinity. From toxic to healthy. From cold to warm. From violent to caring.

To elect better leaders, to vote for politics that can hold their sh*t together, that care about more than power. That see people as humans and not as pawns in a game that only serves to protect their own ego.

To join local communities, protest against violence and discrimination, go out, join collectives, make noise. That’s another option, too.

To sign petitions, share information, advocate for minorities, donate your money, offer your expertise pro bono to associations. All those are things that we, as individuals, can do.

Are these enough? Well, only time will tell… What I know for sure is that we have history to prove us that when the people come together amazing things can be accomplished.

Together we stand ✊

Contemplation

🦋 The Art Of Showing Up is a short film that made me feel inspired. It is beautiful from a cinematic view. The message is pretty obvious but the author makes it more relatable and real than most creators do.

🧶 “The opposite of depression is not happiness but vitality” was one of the various things Andrew Solomon said on his Ted Talk that felt like a punch in the stomach.

🧡 What if we just made peace with being a loser instead of constantly punish ourselves for not being like XYZ?

Add to the calendar

If you are in Lisbon or Porto this Sunday and want to be part of the change, join the protest against violence happening at 4pm. Know more here (last slide is in english):

With love,

Patricia

let’s connect: instagram | subscribe newsletter | LinkedIn